Category Archives: Love or something like it

Waning Moon

Punished for lies and banished for truth

The price to be paid for a misspent youth

You beg me to stay just to tell me adieu

Disregarding all I have stayed through

Never enough no matter how much I give

Remember to forget and forget to forgive

I make myself over to be what you need

Doomed always to fail and never succeed

One misspoke word, one glimpse inside

Erased all the good and the times that I tried

To put your needs first, to see to your fate

My time is over, for me it’s too late

But you, you’re my hope.  The dream in my heart

Though my time is ending and I’m soon to depart

You’re at the beginning with so much to come

I wane like the moon while you rise like the sun

Your happiness taken I fully repay

And ask for forgiveness for the trust I betrayed

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Setting Free

I knew what I wanted. I knew it was you.

But now your true colors have come shining through.

You take without giving and never think twice.

Your emotional experiments with me as your mice.

Pulling me closer to push me away.

Constantly leaving expecting I’ll stay.

Ignoring my needs in lieu of your own.

Never staying to tend to the seeds you have sown.

I’d leave if I could, if my heart weren’t so weak.

Maybe with leaving your interest I’d pique.

But you’d hardly notice if I disappeared.

Then I’d have the answer that I’ve always feared.

I’m just a convenience, a boost when you’re down.

No more treading water you’d leave me to drown.

Why do I love you and never myself?

Take care of your needs and put mine on the shelf?

Because, through it all, you deserve more than me.

I trapped you to get you, now I need setting free.

So leave me here waiting where I was when we met

But know in my heart I’ll never forget.

Late night Ambien Poetry

I used to dream of someday and wish upon the stars

And hold my wishes deep inside like fireflies in their jars

But then you came along and shared my someday dreams

Our love was born beneath stars and carried on moonbeams

And though I know the feelings are different now than then

Wanting to remember, I got my paper and my pen

Love that has changed but never died is what is left for me

Holding on too tightly forced me to set you free

So calls now go unanswered and texts are far and few

Who I wasn’t changed but she still remembers you

I understand the distance to keep the lines distinct

One second eyes wide open and the next they seem to blink

And though I like our random nights spent living in the then

The next time we talk the distance is back again

The difference in your voice from when I was her to me

I would ask to have that voice back in a heartbreaking plea

But I’m not her and your still you and that will never change

I’d spend every dollar I have if that could be arranged

Just one night to go back and share the same night moon

To talk about the stars and wishing you here soon

It’s hard saying goodbye to someone that you hold dear

Harder even hearing it when true feelings become clear

I know I now am relegated to the occasional phone a friend

I only hope that one day our dreams can fly again

That we can have that closeness that we’ve always had before

I’m here as your phone call or your text but maybe more

Maybe one day I’ll see a star that brings alive desires

To give that star a wish deserved and rekindle long cold fires

If not, I’ll go along pretending as your friend

But my heart deep down this love with never end.

Memories of Sex and Love

The youth of today is convinced that love is intertwined with sex. I disagree. I have loved people that I have had sex with and I have had sex with people that I never loved. As you mature, you realize that sex, even really good sex, is easy to find. Love, true love, is like finding a red tipped needle in a stack of red hay. You’ll overlook it 1000 times if you’re not careful.

The memories of love stay with you long after that person is gone.

I remember my first love and the first time I saw him. I was 6 and he was a ginger. The only kid in the neighborhood that would play with the little cripple girl (no worries, it was a temporary thing!) I remember him coming to my house with his older brother (who liked my older sister) and acting like I was just a normal kid. I loved him from that moment until the moment that he died. I loved him even when I got angry at him for telling people that I had made out with Danny (ewwwww) and I marched down to his house and pulled him out of the shower so he could tell all the neighborhood kids that I didn’t.

I remember my second love (whom I would marry). Somewhere I still have the note he left on my car telling me that he thought I was cute. I remember the first joke he ever told me. I remember our first kiss. I remember him shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to shave them myself. And, although he is physically still living, I loved him until the man I married died inside him. Even when I found the note that he had written to another girl. Even when he sent me to my sister’s funeral alone. I loved him.

I remember my last love. I remember the night we talked on the phone for 4 hours about the moon, and ticks, and dolphins. I will always remember the song Goodnight Moon because it was our song. I remember the smell of him on his shirt and his Adam’s apple (I have a strange affection for Adam’s apples). I remember how my heart would skip a beat every time I heard his voice. And this time, I was the one that died inside me. I stopped being the person that he loved. That’s the saddest of all.

Of those three men, I had sex with one of them. But the other two were just as much loves. Maybe more so. And I will remember them forever.

On Mother’s Day and Letting Go

Holidays are a mixed bag for lots of people, myself included. I celebrate them because I have a family that I love and would do anything for. But, there are important parts missing. So, in some ways, it’s like being an actress in a play. You know the lines and the appropriate emotions, but it’s just not real.

My own mother has been gone since 12 days before my daughter was born. Any time you lose a parent is horrible, but to do so while pregnant was cruel. And it was sudden. She was fine on Christmas and dead by New Year’s Day. So mother’s day is hard for me.

This year I got the best gift. Time with my daughter. We talked and laughed and had some wine and I came to know the adult she is becoming. Her reasoning for separating herself so completely from my home to her new home. How my divorce and the actions of both of her parents had affected her.

It made me think of things in my life that I still blame on my mother. She was not an easy person to deal with but she was the one there to shape me. I’m sure today’s psychiatry would have some kind of diagnosis for her, but back then, you just dealt with what you were dealt. My sisters and I have all tried to put our upbringing behind us and become better people, but I still find myself using the crutch of “its Mama’s fault” to explain some of the things about me that I like the least.

But, after my daughter left to go back “home”, I got to thinking. It’s a sham to only remember the bad. There were good times too. There were positives too. It’s like the opposite of losing someone sometimes where you only remember the good. With Mom, I only acknowledged the bad. Because if I remembered the good, I’d have to let her go. I’d have to mourn and accept.

So, this mother’s day, I made a new friend. My daughter as a mature adult. And I lost a friend, my mother as a positive person. Both bitter and sweet. But isn’t that like most of life?