Facing The Truth

It’s hard realizing that, the people you put yourself out for, don’t put themselves out for you.  I’m a single mom and have been for over a decade.  I’ve put my children above all else in my life.  Even as adults, I take care of most of their financial needs.  And it has become too much.

I did the hardest thing ever this week when I was honest with them about my financial and health situation.  Supporting three households has drained me, financially and emotionally.  The cancer that began in my cervix has metastasized to my bladder.  I needed someone else to be in charge for a moment. 

Let’s backtrack a little.  I have a son who has always been known as the easy child.  We don’t butt heads or argue.  Ever.  Then there’s my daughter.  She’s so much like me that we have a love/don’t like relationship.  We argue and butt heads on a regular basis.  And yet, I was surprised by both of them.

My daughter, Megan, was furious with me for not being honest with them about everything from the beginning.  She cried and cussed and had an old fashioned hissy fit.  My son, JC, was calm.  Said that he understood and everything would be ok.  For me not to worry.  Then, he went on with his life and Megan stayed.

She is a sophomore in college and is on summer break.  And she stayed.  And started looking for a job!  And came up with a plan.  She sat and talked with me about the diagnosis and what it meant and what the plan was with my oncologist.  She took charge. 

JC is older.  Has a fiancé/girlfriend and has given me the most perfect grandchild ever born.  And, the day after the confession, texted me about paying his cable bill.  His gf is angry that I will not be funding her $2000 root canal and crown and has cut back on my access to my grandson.  And he still is asking for financial help.  I’m stunned and hurt. 

Maybe it makes sense somehow.  He never argued with me so he won’t argue with her.  But it still hurts that he would let me be limited in the amount of time I spend with my precious grandbaby.  I can’t go to their home, which I have paid for for 2 years, without the gfs permission.  I get to see them only at church. 

Where did I go wrong with him and how did I miss how strong my daughter is? 


Of Pens and Swords and Blood

So many words and feelings swirling inside me.  No outlet for my emotional constipation.  If words were blood id slit my wrists just to let them out.  To feel empty and numb for a minute.  I drink away the feelings but it’s over too soon.  They come rushing back like a meteor headed towards the sun, ready to make it burst and flame out forever.  I take pills to numb my mind but then my skin crawls with all the feelings that are slithering over it.  There’s not enough of anything but pain and anger and words.  Words that used to be my escape, my consolation, have become a demon chasing me.  Day and night, waiting to pounce on my weary brain and barrage me with feelings and helplessness.  I wish I could edit my life like I can the words on paper.  Cut out things and people and paste in others.  Or just leave it blank.  Sometimes blank looks good to me.  No jumble.  No misunderstanding.  No words.  Even when I sleep the words assault me.  Images and distortion and longing and weeping.  Words in red for anger and passion.  Words in black because of the emptiness.  Words in green that are envious and jealous of the actions others get.  And all I get are words.  The pen is mightier than the sword.  The sword can take a life.  But the pen, and the words that are captured with it, can take a soul or a sanity.  Take my pen and give me a sword.  Let me take action against action and not words against insanity and soullessness.  You can lay a sword down, but once you have held the pen, the words become part of you and there’s no escaping them.  Give me a sword and take this damned pen. 

Setting Free

I knew what I wanted. I knew it was you.

But now your true colors have come shining through.

You take without giving and never think twice.

Your emotional experiments with me as your mice.

Pulling me closer to push me away.

Constantly leaving expecting I’ll stay.

Ignoring my needs in lieu of your own.

Never staying to tend to the seeds you have sown.

I’d leave if I could, if my heart weren’t so weak.

Maybe with leaving your interest I’d pique.

But you’d hardly notice if I disappeared.

Then I’d have the answer that I’ve always feared.

I’m just a convenience, a boost when you’re down.

No more treading water you’d leave me to drown.

Why do I love you and never myself?

Take care of your needs and put mine on the shelf?

Because, through it all, you deserve more than me.

I trapped you to get you, now I need setting free.

So leave me here waiting where I was when we met

But know in my heart I’ll never forget.

Orchids and Weeds

Why do some people give their most valuable asset to people that don’t earn it? They’ll spend hours or days (sometimes longer!) trying to capture the attention of someone who gave them a few hours of their time. Someone who takes a week to email back. And they ignore the friends that are there for them. Time after time.

Maybe that’s my issue. I’m too dependable. If you call, I’m calling back. If you text, I’ll text back even if it’s a short text. If you e mail me, I have a 24 hour turnaround time rule. I guess that’s how I’ve been taught. If someone spends their most valuable asset, time, reaching out to me, they deserve the same respect.

Is it chic now to ignore people? Is that how you get someone clamoring to be your friend? If so, I guess I’ll just have less friends. Maybe I’m old fashioned but, you treat people how you want to be treated. It’s not “Do unto others before they do unto you”, it’s “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Does that make me weird?

I have a few friends who are always astonished when their relationships end and they have no good friends. It’s because they disregard the people who have been there for them for the flavor of the week. And then get upset that their friends have moved on. What are we supposed to do? Sit around on our hands waiting for you to grant us a few moments of your precious time?

I guess, like so many things in today’s society, friends are a disposable commodity. There’s always a bigger, better friend around the corner. But it’s a sad statement on our society. A friend, a really good friend, is a gift. It’s like the most precious orchid. You have to give it time and attention to keep it alive.

I fear many people today are going to realize that their orchids died while they were watering their weeds.

Late night Ambien Poetry

I used to dream of someday and wish upon the stars

And hold my wishes deep inside like fireflies in their jars

But then you came along and shared my someday dreams

Our love was born beneath stars and carried on moonbeams

And though I know the feelings are different now than then

Wanting to remember, I got my paper and my pen

Love that has changed but never died is what is left for me

Holding on too tightly forced me to set you free

So calls now go unanswered and texts are far and few

Who I wasn’t changed but she still remembers you

I understand the distance to keep the lines distinct

One second eyes wide open and the next they seem to blink

And though I like our random nights spent living in the then

The next time we talk the distance is back again

The difference in your voice from when I was her to me

I would ask to have that voice back in a heartbreaking plea

But I’m not her and your still you and that will never change

I’d spend every dollar I have if that could be arranged

Just one night to go back and share the same night moon

To talk about the stars and wishing you here soon

It’s hard saying goodbye to someone that you hold dear

Harder even hearing it when true feelings become clear

I know I now am relegated to the occasional phone a friend

I only hope that one day our dreams can fly again

That we can have that closeness that we’ve always had before

I’m here as your phone call or your text but maybe more

Maybe one day I’ll see a star that brings alive desires

To give that star a wish deserved and rekindle long cold fires

If not, I’ll go along pretending as your friend

But my heart deep down this love with never end.

Memories of Sex and Love

The youth of today is convinced that love is intertwined with sex. I disagree. I have loved people that I have had sex with and I have had sex with people that I never loved. As you mature, you realize that sex, even really good sex, is easy to find. Love, true love, is like finding a red tipped needle in a stack of red hay. You’ll overlook it 1000 times if you’re not careful.

The memories of love stay with you long after that person is gone.

I remember my first love and the first time I saw him. I was 6 and he was a ginger. The only kid in the neighborhood that would play with the little cripple girl (no worries, it was a temporary thing!) I remember him coming to my house with his older brother (who liked my older sister) and acting like I was just a normal kid. I loved him from that moment until the moment that he died. I loved him even when I got angry at him for telling people that I had made out with Danny (ewwwww) and I marched down to his house and pulled him out of the shower so he could tell all the neighborhood kids that I didn’t.

I remember my second love (whom I would marry). Somewhere I still have the note he left on my car telling me that he thought I was cute. I remember the first joke he ever told me. I remember our first kiss. I remember him shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to shave them myself. And, although he is physically still living, I loved him until the man I married died inside him. Even when I found the note that he had written to another girl. Even when he sent me to my sister’s funeral alone. I loved him.

I remember my last love. I remember the night we talked on the phone for 4 hours about the moon, and ticks, and dolphins. I will always remember the song Goodnight Moon because it was our song. I remember the smell of him on his shirt and his Adam’s apple (I have a strange affection for Adam’s apples). I remember how my heart would skip a beat every time I heard his voice. And this time, I was the one that died inside me. I stopped being the person that he loved. That’s the saddest of all.

Of those three men, I had sex with one of them. But the other two were just as much loves. Maybe more so. And I will remember them forever.

The Effect of Celebrity Social Media on Political Awareness

In today’s culture of instant 24/7 access, celebrity has a different meaning.  Not only can you know what a person is doing instantaneously, but you can know their political views on a variety of social networking sites.  I think it is each person’s responsibility to be socially aware of the world around us and to take part in the great debates of our times.  Unfortunately, some of today’s society simply echo the sentiments of the stars of the day without doing their own research on the topics being discussed. 


I’m not going to lie.  I follow Ian Somerhalder on Instagram because he is severely nice looking.  And, I know he has a passion for animal conservation that I agree with.  But then he posted this…

iansomerhalder What Hobby Lobby and the Supreme Court think of you ladies… Have at it- pass it around, make some noise. It’s the year 2014 wtf! Or wait! Is it the year 1014? Keep em barefoot and pregnant I guess!? Population at 9 billion by mid century! Can’t feed the 7 billion we have now! But DONT WORRY EVERYONE! MONSANTO WILL FEED THE WORLD- Then! Then, we can all make lots of money off of the big pharmaceutical stocks because drug companies will be so busy feeding drugs to sick people because on genetically modified organisms! WooooHoooo! Wow can’t fuc()$& wait!


I like that Mr. Somerhalder is passionate.  We should all have passion for our country and our fellow man.  But, he omitted some facts.  And had numerous young, impressionable people blindly agreeing with him.


Here are the facts:

  1.  Hobby Lobby provides at no cost to their employees 16 forms of birth control including birth control pills, patches, diaphragms, condoms, etc.
  2. Hobby Lobby does not pay for 4 methods of birth control that they consider life ending because they are a religious based company.  These are Plan B, which is also known as the “morning after pill,” Ella, another emergency contraceptive, Copper Intrauterine Device and IUD with progestin — forms of birth control that some believe can cause or are akin to abortion.


From looking at Mr. Somerhalders post, you would think that Hobby Lobby was against all manner of birth control which is not true. 


The fact of the matter is, is you don’t like the benefits that Hobby Lobby chooses to offer, don’t work there.  The same as if you don’t like the 50% match a company offers on 401k contributions or the dental insurance.  If those 4 forms of birth control being offered to you free because the company will pay 100% of the cost is a deal breaker for you, don’t apply to work for Hobby Lobby. 


Seems simple enough to me. 

Ramblings of an insomniac