Tag Archives: truth

Exit Stage Left Al

As I type this, I know it’s not politically correct.  And for that I am sorry.  But I’m not sorry for how I feel.  Proceed with caution.

 

What happened in Ferguson, Missouri is a tragedy.  Regardless of the circumstances that surround it.  A mother and father lost their child.  Children lost a friend.  There is no facet of this that is not tragic.

But, alongside this tragedy, the family is now being used for political gain.  I know that racism is still alive and doing well in this country because the likes of Al Sharpton are alive and doing well.  No, I will not call him Reverend.  What he preaches is not love and compassion but hate and vengeance.  “What do we want?  Justice.  When do we want it?  Now!’  Familiar cries from the vultures of his ilk.  How about “judge not lest ye be judged”?  How about “vengeance is mine sayeth The Lord”. 

Al Sharpton shows up at anything that might prolong his 15 minutes of fame.  He preys on people that are suffering for his own self-righteousness.  And when he’s wrong, as in the Tawana Brawley case, he leaves without a word of apology.  He is a racist and bigot the likes of which bring hatred among normally peaceful people.

He is the antithesis of the great Martin Luther King, Jr.   He causes people to choose a race to identify with.  As a mother, I identify with Michael Brown’s mother but I’m white so it doesn’t count. 

If the killing of Michael Brown was caused by racism, and I say if because I wasn’t there and all the facts aren’t in yet, then God will judge the policeman that killed him.  But, he will also judge Al Sharpton. 

“If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?”  1 John 4:20.  You would think a reverend would know that.

Death by Deception

Like so many, I was saddened to hear of the passing of Robin Williams.  Isn’t it ironic that so many entertainers are victims of depression and substance abuse?

Thinking over the list of people that we have lost in recent years is like thinking over a list of the greatest talents of our times.  Health Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Kurt Cobain, Tony Scott, Whitney Houston, the list goes on and on.

It made me think.  Is perhaps the reason that so many entertainers succumb to these insidious diseases because they are so used to living the lie?  We all do it to some degree.  Say “I’m fine” when we are really not.  Put a smile on when inside we are crying.

The pressure to entertain everyone has to be tremendous.  To be the funny person when the world is crashing down around you.  To make others smile when yours is so fake.  It’s so easy to let depression isolate you.  To make you withdraw from others for fear that they’ll see the suffering you try so hard to hide. To pretend so hard that you’re happy that you almost believe it.  Until you’re alone and reality comes crashing back.

Someone told me that they think suicide is the bravest and most selfish choice a person can make.  As unpopular as that idea is, I get it.  To overcome the fear of death because life is just too hard take a certain kind of bravery.  To leave those you love behind to deal with the aftermath takes selfishness.

Maybe it’s time we stopped expecting people to be perfect and happy all the time.  Maybe it’s time we accept flaws and love people anyway.  Maybe we need to take the time to do more than shoot a text. 

Depression is a real illness.  Accept it.  Look for it.  Step in and step up.  None of us and none of those we love are immune. 

Waning Moon

Punished for lies and banished for truth

The price to be paid for a misspent youth

You beg me to stay just to tell me adieu

Disregarding all I have stayed through

Never enough no matter how much I give

Remember to forget and forget to forgive

I make myself over to be what you need

Doomed always to fail and never succeed

One misspoke word, one glimpse inside

Erased all the good and the times that I tried

To put your needs first, to see to your fate

My time is over, for me it’s too late

But you, you’re my hope.  The dream in my heart

Though my time is ending and I’m soon to depart

You’re at the beginning with so much to come

I wane like the moon while you rise like the sun

Your happiness taken I fully repay

And ask for forgiveness for the trust I betrayed

Facing The Truth

It’s hard realizing that, the people you put yourself out for, don’t put themselves out for you.  I’m a single mom and have been for over a decade.  I’ve put my children above all else in my life.  Even as adults, I take care of most of their financial needs.  And it has become too much.

I did the hardest thing ever this week when I was honest with them about my financial and health situation.  Supporting three households has drained me, financially and emotionally.  The cancer that began in my cervix has metastasized to my bladder.  I needed someone else to be in charge for a moment. 

Let’s backtrack a little.  I have a son who has always been known as the easy child.  We don’t butt heads or argue.  Ever.  Then there’s my daughter.  She’s so much like me that we have a love/don’t like relationship.  We argue and butt heads on a regular basis.  And yet, I was surprised by both of them.

My daughter, Megan, was furious with me for not being honest with them about everything from the beginning.  She cried and cussed and had an old fashioned hissy fit.  My son, JC, was calm.  Said that he understood and everything would be ok.  For me not to worry.  Then, he went on with his life and Megan stayed.

She is a sophomore in college and is on summer break.  And she stayed.  And started looking for a job!  And came up with a plan.  She sat and talked with me about the diagnosis and what it meant and what the plan was with my oncologist.  She took charge. 

JC is older.  Has a fiancé/girlfriend and has given me the most perfect grandchild ever born.  And, the day after the confession, texted me about paying his cable bill.  His gf is angry that I will not be funding her $2000 root canal and crown and has cut back on my access to my grandson.  And he still is asking for financial help.  I’m stunned and hurt. 

Maybe it makes sense somehow.  He never argued with me so he won’t argue with her.  But it still hurts that he would let me be limited in the amount of time I spend with my precious grandbaby.  I can’t go to their home, which I have paid for for 2 years, without the gfs permission.  I get to see them only at church. 

Where did I go wrong with him and how did I miss how strong my daughter is? 

Orchids and Weeds

Why do some people give their most valuable asset to people that don’t earn it? They’ll spend hours or days (sometimes longer!) trying to capture the attention of someone who gave them a few hours of their time. Someone who takes a week to email back. And they ignore the friends that are there for them. Time after time.

Maybe that’s my issue. I’m too dependable. If you call, I’m calling back. If you text, I’ll text back even if it’s a short text. If you e mail me, I have a 24 hour turnaround time rule. I guess that’s how I’ve been taught. If someone spends their most valuable asset, time, reaching out to me, they deserve the same respect.

Is it chic now to ignore people? Is that how you get someone clamoring to be your friend? If so, I guess I’ll just have less friends. Maybe I’m old fashioned but, you treat people how you want to be treated. It’s not “Do unto others before they do unto you”, it’s “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Does that make me weird?

I have a few friends who are always astonished when their relationships end and they have no good friends. It’s because they disregard the people who have been there for them for the flavor of the week. And then get upset that their friends have moved on. What are we supposed to do? Sit around on our hands waiting for you to grant us a few moments of your precious time?

I guess, like so many things in today’s society, friends are a disposable commodity. There’s always a bigger, better friend around the corner. But it’s a sad statement on our society. A friend, a really good friend, is a gift. It’s like the most precious orchid. You have to give it time and attention to keep it alive.

I fear many people today are going to realize that their orchids died while they were watering their weeds.

Memories of Sex and Love

The youth of today is convinced that love is intertwined with sex. I disagree. I have loved people that I have had sex with and I have had sex with people that I never loved. As you mature, you realize that sex, even really good sex, is easy to find. Love, true love, is like finding a red tipped needle in a stack of red hay. You’ll overlook it 1000 times if you’re not careful.

The memories of love stay with you long after that person is gone.

I remember my first love and the first time I saw him. I was 6 and he was a ginger. The only kid in the neighborhood that would play with the little cripple girl (no worries, it was a temporary thing!) I remember him coming to my house with his older brother (who liked my older sister) and acting like I was just a normal kid. I loved him from that moment until the moment that he died. I loved him even when I got angry at him for telling people that I had made out with Danny (ewwwww) and I marched down to his house and pulled him out of the shower so he could tell all the neighborhood kids that I didn’t.

I remember my second love (whom I would marry). Somewhere I still have the note he left on my car telling me that he thought I was cute. I remember the first joke he ever told me. I remember our first kiss. I remember him shaving my legs when I was too pregnant to shave them myself. And, although he is physically still living, I loved him until the man I married died inside him. Even when I found the note that he had written to another girl. Even when he sent me to my sister’s funeral alone. I loved him.

I remember my last love. I remember the night we talked on the phone for 4 hours about the moon, and ticks, and dolphins. I will always remember the song Goodnight Moon because it was our song. I remember the smell of him on his shirt and his Adam’s apple (I have a strange affection for Adam’s apples). I remember how my heart would skip a beat every time I heard his voice. And this time, I was the one that died inside me. I stopped being the person that he loved. That’s the saddest of all.

Of those three men, I had sex with one of them. But the other two were just as much loves. Maybe more so. And I will remember them forever.

Learning from the Blur

I remember in fifth grade when I first got glasses. My mom driving me home and me being in wonder that you could see each leaf on the trees. I always thought trees were just green blobs on the top of poles. People say that you look at things through rose colored glasses but I disagree. I think that sometimes we look at things without our glasses on.

Sometimes we want to see things blurrily because if we see the edges and details, then they might not look how we want them to. We see that guy as the guy that, that one time, said how great you were but don’t look at the times he chose someone else. We see that girl that said she liked you but don’t look at the fact that she was posting on Facebook or twitter but couldn’t be bothered to text back. Sometimes blurry is our friend.

Seeing things without sharp edges can help on those long, lonely nights but, if you never acknowledge the edges, you can get hurt. You can spend your time playing what if instead of recognizing what is. You can let a gorgeous leaf with its edges pass you by while you’re longing after the blurry tree.

I’m not saying that, when things come into focus, they never work out because sometimes they do. But, most times, actions speak louder than words and bringing things into focus shows you flaws that you miss from far away.

Daydreaming is great. I do as much or more than most. But, if I have learned one thing, it’s that, if you spend too much time dreaming, you’ll wake up one day to discover that life has passed while you had your eyes closed.

So, take some time to dream but open your eyes and live too. Long for the blurry what ifs but embrace the clear what is’ too.

Put your glasses on and marvel at the leaves!Trees