It’s been a minute…time for a rant!

I am absolutely disgusted with so many of the 20 something’s out there. With the huge things that are going on around the world you would think something of importance would be on their minds. But, what’s trending on Twitter? Beingmaryjane. And replacealetterruinatvshow. What the actual hell??

There is an entire generation that thinks that lifting the sanctions off of Cuba is a good thing because Beyoncé and Jay Z like Cuba! They don’t bother to do the research to find out about the atrocities that the Cuban government inflict on its citizens. It’s enough that two largely irrelevant pop stars like it. Come on! Grow both a spine and a brain!

When we stopped letting children fail, when everyone gets a prize, we created a generation of citizens that want nothing more than to tie with everyone else. What happened to excelling? To being a leader? Where, in the real world, does everyone, regardless of effort, get the same results? We crippled an entire generation with mediocrity. It’s the number one disability in our country today.

The generation that will be running our country in a few decades is too busy being politically correct to be politically active. They spend more time reading Anime and Manga than in reading the news. They neither know, nor care, who are the people that will likely be elected to run the country next year. They are having debates over whether Beyoncé was the greatest half time show ever (she wasn’t…not even close) instead of debating the important things like health insurance regulations and the national debt.

Maybe it’s because they don’t have to care. Most of them are still financially still living off of their parents. They are spoiled to someone else having to make the important decisions while they’re busy acting like overgrown teenagers. How are they ever going to man up enough to create a responsible generation in their own children if they can’t let go of being the children.

If the world, for one day, quit catering to their whims, quit showing selfies of Kim Kardashian’s ass, showed nothing but the important things, they’d pout and be overwhelmed in realness. If they suddenly had to find out on their own what the issues are instead of being spoon fed their opinions on social media, what an eye opener that would be!

Social Apathy in the Selfie Generation

There are many things going on in our world today that stand to shape where we go as a country. There’s the race problems that were highlighted in Ferguson (that’s an entire blog post of its own), there’s the issue or Russia invading Ukraine, there’s the significant possibility of a nuclear North Korea. Not to mention the beheading of Americans abroad and Christians from around the globe being persecuted for their beliefs.

In reaching out to friends about these events it occurred to me, the generation that is now in their mid-twenties neither knows nor cares about these things. They are passionate about which generation of iPhone is superior. They are outraged over the use of GMO’s in popular foods. They are outraged about the mistreatment of animals in the meat industry. In other words, they only care if it affects them directly.

This wouldn’t be a huge issues except, in a few short generations, they are going to be the ones running this country. And while healthy eating is important, it’s not going to matter if there are GMO’s if we are in the middle of another cold war but with Korea and Iraq this time. Putin isn’t going to care about mistreatment of animals if they invade us.

I blame it on a generation that spends their days posting pictures of everything, from themselves (selfies) to what they ate to their nail polish. Social media has trained them to broadcast everything every minute of their day. So they spend so much time thinking of themselves that they have become apathetic to the big happenings of the world.

How are you supposed to empathize with someone else if you only care about what affects you? And you can’t run a country without caring about the good of others. In thirty years we will have a generation of citizens that have no idea about having a social conscience. That aren’t passionate about making this a great county. That are so insular that things happening across the world don’t even show up on their radar.

What will happen when that time comes? When they can’t hashtag something away? When they have to get off their computer and smart phones and actually show up? When the fate of this country is in their hands?

We, my generation, has got to do a better job of getting them ready. We have to include them in the discussions. We have to redirect their radar so they see the big picture. Somewhere out there could be the next JFK or Ronald Reagan. We can’t let them waste themselves away posting funny Vines! Let’s make a commitment to inspire them. To give them our passion. To give them our patriotism. They are the future.

Walking The Edge

I’m walking on the edge of the knife. Just waiting on the cuts to get deep enough. Waiting to see that first course of blood. That first sign. Waiting to see if I fall to either side. If the blade is sharp enough to end it or just sharp enough to cause more pain. More infection in my soul. More hopelessness. Waiting on someone to tell me to stop. But no one cares enough to tell me. No one cares enough to save me. So I keep walking….

Exit Stage Left Al

As I type this, I know it’s not politically correct.  And for that I am sorry.  But I’m not sorry for how I feel.  Proceed with caution.

 

What happened in Ferguson, Missouri is a tragedy.  Regardless of the circumstances that surround it.  A mother and father lost their child.  Children lost a friend.  There is no facet of this that is not tragic.

But, alongside this tragedy, the family is now being used for political gain.  I know that racism is still alive and doing well in this country because the likes of Al Sharpton are alive and doing well.  No, I will not call him Reverend.  What he preaches is not love and compassion but hate and vengeance.  “What do we want?  Justice.  When do we want it?  Now!’  Familiar cries from the vultures of his ilk.  How about “judge not lest ye be judged”?  How about “vengeance is mine sayeth The Lord”. 

Al Sharpton shows up at anything that might prolong his 15 minutes of fame.  He preys on people that are suffering for his own self-righteousness.  And when he’s wrong, as in the Tawana Brawley case, he leaves without a word of apology.  He is a racist and bigot the likes of which bring hatred among normally peaceful people.

He is the antithesis of the great Martin Luther King, Jr.   He causes people to choose a race to identify with.  As a mother, I identify with Michael Brown’s mother but I’m white so it doesn’t count. 

If the killing of Michael Brown was caused by racism, and I say if because I wasn’t there and all the facts aren’t in yet, then God will judge the policeman that killed him.  But, he will also judge Al Sharpton. 

“If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?”  1 John 4:20.  You would think a reverend would know that.

Death by Deception

Like so many, I was saddened to hear of the passing of Robin Williams.  Isn’t it ironic that so many entertainers are victims of depression and substance abuse?

Thinking over the list of people that we have lost in recent years is like thinking over a list of the greatest talents of our times.  Health Ledger, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Kurt Cobain, Tony Scott, Whitney Houston, the list goes on and on.

It made me think.  Is perhaps the reason that so many entertainers succumb to these insidious diseases because they are so used to living the lie?  We all do it to some degree.  Say “I’m fine” when we are really not.  Put a smile on when inside we are crying.

The pressure to entertain everyone has to be tremendous.  To be the funny person when the world is crashing down around you.  To make others smile when yours is so fake.  It’s so easy to let depression isolate you.  To make you withdraw from others for fear that they’ll see the suffering you try so hard to hide. To pretend so hard that you’re happy that you almost believe it.  Until you’re alone and reality comes crashing back.

Someone told me that they think suicide is the bravest and most selfish choice a person can make.  As unpopular as that idea is, I get it.  To overcome the fear of death because life is just too hard take a certain kind of bravery.  To leave those you love behind to deal with the aftermath takes selfishness.

Maybe it’s time we stopped expecting people to be perfect and happy all the time.  Maybe it’s time we accept flaws and love people anyway.  Maybe we need to take the time to do more than shoot a text. 

Depression is a real illness.  Accept it.  Look for it.  Step in and step up.  None of us and none of those we love are immune. 

Waning Moon

Punished for lies and banished for truth

The price to be paid for a misspent youth

You beg me to stay just to tell me adieu

Disregarding all I have stayed through

Never enough no matter how much I give

Remember to forget and forget to forgive

I make myself over to be what you need

Doomed always to fail and never succeed

One misspoke word, one glimpse inside

Erased all the good and the times that I tried

To put your needs first, to see to your fate

My time is over, for me it’s too late

But you, you’re my hope.  The dream in my heart

Though my time is ending and I’m soon to depart

You’re at the beginning with so much to come

I wane like the moon while you rise like the sun

Your happiness taken I fully repay

And ask for forgiveness for the trust I betrayed

These Dreams!?!?!

If there were a Guinness world record for weirdest dreams, I would hold that record hands down.  By a long shot. 

The first dream I actually remember was when I was perhaps seven.  In it there was a Queen Anne chair that was deep purple that had a poster of WC Fields on the back.  It was chasing me through some Victorian house trying to kill me.  Oh, and it only had three legs.  Although I overcame enough of that dream to love the color purple, WC Fields scares the bejeezus out of me to this day.

About six months ago give or take, I dreamt that I took an airplane to some Arab nation.  The man I was interested in at that time met me there.  Normal enough so far.  But, he was a midget.  And he was humping the windshield of a car. 

A few months later I dreamt about the same man, not a midget this time.  But a perfectly proportioned miniature.  Like two foot tall. 

The night before last I dreamt that my daughter, my father and I were all in the hospital.  Never mind that my father has been gone for many years.  We all got discharged and came to my home.  My daughter was sleeping on the couch with my grandson, my father was asleep in the bed and I was trying to tell someone that I had taken an oxycodone but couldn’t think of the word.  That person turned out to be my sister (who has passed) except she was my mother (who has passed) in my dream.  She took me outside to tell me that my father was dying and I got furious because someone had stolen my mailbox.

Last night I dreamt that I got a new job.  In my dream, my best friend and soon to be coworker was Khloe Kardashian.  And I was angry at her because some mysterious thing had happened in April and she wouldn’t tell me about it.  It had something to do with $817.  Then Khloe and I were at the movies and Joey from Friends agent Estelle was our boss.

If anyone wants to take a crack at these, feel free. 

But first, admit it.  I hold the world record for weirdest dreams.

Facing The Truth

It’s hard realizing that, the people you put yourself out for, don’t put themselves out for you.  I’m a single mom and have been for over a decade.  I’ve put my children above all else in my life.  Even as adults, I take care of most of their financial needs.  And it has become too much.

I did the hardest thing ever this week when I was honest with them about my financial and health situation.  Supporting three households has drained me, financially and emotionally.  The cancer that began in my cervix has metastasized to my bladder.  I needed someone else to be in charge for a moment. 

Let’s backtrack a little.  I have a son who has always been known as the easy child.  We don’t butt heads or argue.  Ever.  Then there’s my daughter.  She’s so much like me that we have a love/don’t like relationship.  We argue and butt heads on a regular basis.  And yet, I was surprised by both of them.

My daughter, Megan, was furious with me for not being honest with them about everything from the beginning.  She cried and cussed and had an old fashioned hissy fit.  My son, JC, was calm.  Said that he understood and everything would be ok.  For me not to worry.  Then, he went on with his life and Megan stayed.

She is a sophomore in college and is on summer break.  And she stayed.  And started looking for a job!  And came up with a plan.  She sat and talked with me about the diagnosis and what it meant and what the plan was with my oncologist.  She took charge. 

JC is older.  Has a fiancé/girlfriend and has given me the most perfect grandchild ever born.  And, the day after the confession, texted me about paying his cable bill.  His gf is angry that I will not be funding her $2000 root canal and crown and has cut back on my access to my grandson.  And he still is asking for financial help.  I’m stunned and hurt. 

Maybe it makes sense somehow.  He never argued with me so he won’t argue with her.  But it still hurts that he would let me be limited in the amount of time I spend with my precious grandbaby.  I can’t go to their home, which I have paid for for 2 years, without the gfs permission.  I get to see them only at church. 

Where did I go wrong with him and how did I miss how strong my daughter is? 

Of Pens and Swords and Blood

So many words and feelings swirling inside me.  No outlet for my emotional constipation.  If words were blood id slit my wrists just to let them out.  To feel empty and numb for a minute.  I drink away the feelings but it’s over too soon.  They come rushing back like a meteor headed towards the sun, ready to make it burst and flame out forever.  I take pills to numb my mind but then my skin crawls with all the feelings that are slithering over it.  There’s not enough of anything but pain and anger and words.  Words that used to be my escape, my consolation, have become a demon chasing me.  Day and night, waiting to pounce on my weary brain and barrage me with feelings and helplessness.  I wish I could edit my life like I can the words on paper.  Cut out things and people and paste in others.  Or just leave it blank.  Sometimes blank looks good to me.  No jumble.  No misunderstanding.  No words.  Even when I sleep the words assault me.  Images and distortion and longing and weeping.  Words in red for anger and passion.  Words in black because of the emptiness.  Words in green that are envious and jealous of the actions others get.  And all I get are words.  The pen is mightier than the sword.  The sword can take a life.  But the pen, and the words that are captured with it, can take a soul or a sanity.  Take my pen and give me a sword.  Let me take action against action and not words against insanity and soullessness.  You can lay a sword down, but once you have held the pen, the words become part of you and there’s no escaping them.  Give me a sword and take this damned pen. 

Setting Free

I knew what I wanted. I knew it was you.

But now your true colors have come shining through.

You take without giving and never think twice.

Your emotional experiments with me as your mice.

Pulling me closer to push me away.

Constantly leaving expecting I’ll stay.

Ignoring my needs in lieu of your own.

Never staying to tend to the seeds you have sown.

I’d leave if I could, if my heart weren’t so weak.

Maybe with leaving your interest I’d pique.

But you’d hardly notice if I disappeared.

Then I’d have the answer that I’ve always feared.

I’m just a convenience, a boost when you’re down.

No more treading water you’d leave me to drown.

Why do I love you and never myself?

Take care of your needs and put mine on the shelf?

Because, through it all, you deserve more than me.

I trapped you to get you, now I need setting free.

So leave me here waiting where I was when we met

But know in my heart I’ll never forget.